


Speak

by feluriana



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fluffy, M/M, Post-Wayward Son, how dare rainbow rowell to finish the book like THAT, i spent the second book almost losing my mind, this is just self-indulgent because i really want these two to just... TALK TO EACH OTHER
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:00:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feluriana/pseuds/feluriana
Summary: Baz Pitch thought Simon Snow had died without knowing how Baz truly felt. He never really said it properly and now Simon was slipping through his fingers. Snow even implied Baz should just stay in America.He doesn't understand, so Baz will have to explain it. Unfortunately, there's no spell for this.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 18
Kudos: 72





	Speak

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first attempt to write something in a very long time, so I hope it's not horrible. I just kept imagining the moment these two will just TALK things through and decided to indulge myself.  
> This was not revised so forgive me for any mistake I didn't notice.

"Baz..." Simon starts saying, his voice is barely there and Baz thought that he looked like someone giving bad news to a child. No, please stop. I know where you're going and don't want to hear it. You're not listening, you never do, he screamed in his mind and tried to find the right words to interrupt Snow when their conversation was abruptly cut. Like always.

  
"Baz" someone shouts and the mage is about to say that this is not the best time when the voice insists. "Baz, there's trouble at Watford. We have to go home - now!"

They had to run to the airport, Shepard included, which was unexpected but didn't disturb Baz. Honestly, he was finding troubling to even be concerned about what was going on in Watford. How could he care about anything else when he was slowly, painfully, losing Simon Snow? He felt like a child trying to build a sandcastle only to watch the waves destroying it, over and over.

  
Although Baz couldn't stop looking at Simon ever since they left the beach, their eyes haven't met since then which meant Snow was avoiding looking at him. They spent seven years living in the same room, orbiting each other, like that so why does it feel so excruciating now? He should be familiar with that feeling. He was. Still, it felt different. Back then he knew Simon was someone he could never have, he was acquainted with that sorrow and the fact that all he ever did was lose without even intending to win. But this... This was loosing even after trying to conquer something. He felt hope and considered for a moment that maybe love was enough. It should be. He glazed at Snow.

_Then why am I still being defeated?_

***

  
"What? Two hours late?" Penelope yelled to the woman finishing their check-in. Baz didn't pay attention to the rest of the conversation, he didn't need it. The only thing that mattered was that they had two hours before getting on that plane and Baz had a conversation to finish.

  
"Okay, calm down. Watford is not gonna be destroyed in two hours" Agatha tried to calm Penelope who seemed to be willing to figure out a way to spell everyone and get home in her schedule. "We can use this time to eat something and organize how we're gonna explain everything that happened here."

  
"Yeah, I'm starving" Shepard added, helping Agatha's case.

  
Baz stood a bit far from the others, observing them. Observing Simon, who hadn't said much after they left the apartment.

  
"Fine! Let's kill some time." Penelope gave in and they started heading somewhere Baz didn't follow. "Hey, you. Let's go" Penelope called.

  
"Go ahead without me."

  
Simon's eyes met Baz's for the first time since they left the beach. He seemed sad or perhaps just tired – Baz couldn't figure out – but not disturbed. Like he just reminded himself this was going to happen. Baz remembered what Snow said about how happier he would be if he decided to stay. Maybe he thought Baz was deciding to stay and if that was the case, would he try to stop him? The answer came when Snow nodded and lowered his eyes, staring at his own feet.

  
Snow wouldn't do anything. He was still believing Baz would be happier hagging around in Vegas with a bunch of vampires. Snow doesn't know.

  
Baz remembered what he said when asked to be his terrible boyfriend:

  
"I like you. And I don't even care that you don't like me. I'm used to it, I wouldn't know what to do if you did."

  
And then he remembered those agonizing moments he thought Simon Snow was dead. He knew, at that moment, that Snow had died without truly understanding how he felt. And how could he blame him? They start getting together while Snow was going through a rough patch and no one knew how to properly help. Besides that, the only thing Snow had to connect the dots between them was the years they lived together and well... That wouldn't help him comprehend the truth.

  
Penelope lifted her eyebrows at Baz and was opening her mouth to say something when Agatha grabbed her arms whispering "let's go, Bunce" making Shepard follow them as well.

  
"You're staying." Snow said when there were only the two of them amongst strangers at the airport.

  
"I would love to play along with whatever nonsense is going on in your head just to see how you'd react if I were to stay here, but I'm getting tired of our visible shit communication. Normals here do call us Speakers so why the hell can't we just speak to each other and solve things out?"

  
"They call you Speaker" Simon took a deep breath and Baz thought he aimed to finish what he attempted to say on the beach.

  
"What would you do, Snow? If I stayed. Would you try to stop me?"

  
"No" his voice was low but it came out firmly.

  
He knew the answer but it didn't prevent the pain to listen to it anyway. Okay, not the time to be heartbroken. It's time to solve things.

  
"You are indeed a terrible boyfriend." Simon looked tortured and Baz smiled at him. "Let's find a better place to talk, Snow. You're didn't manage to get rid of me for seven years and that won't suddenly change now."

***

It was a big airport and it wasn't hard to find a quieter place that they shared with a few people waiting for their flights.

  
"Stop doing that, Snow." Baz said when they stopped walking.

"Doing what?"

  
"Looking at me like you're about to tell me my whole family got murdered."

  
"Baz..."

  
"Yeah, sure, I have a beautiful middle name, and I quite enjoy hearing you say it, but I would be happier if you weren't applying this funeral tone. Maybe more breathlessly, you know? Mumbling it, I don't know, it's just an idea."

  
Simon kept his face serious and Baz sighed. Trying to light the mood wouldn't change a thing so he prepared himself to face the next minutes.

  
"Please, Simon." it always felt good to say his first name even though it almost scared him, like it was something to keep and not waste freely. "Just listen to me"

  
Baz stepped forward, reducing the space between them. Simon put his hands in his pockets, nodding.

  
"I know you're going through a lot and it hasn't been a good year. You lost so much and I wish so badly I could just fix everything, I would set myself on fire without thinking twice if I knew that would solve something. My heart breaks every time I see you sad and I feel so useless because I don't know how I can help you."

  
Baz got closer. He didn't know what to say next. He didn't quite plan any of this, all he felt was a hideous fear and his stomach cold. For a moment he wishes he could just, magically, make Simon feel his emotions and look inside of him. He wished so badly for the right words. The words that would make Snow see him.

  
"I know that how I feel for you won't be the answer to all of this. This is bigger than me, I understand. But... Well, I saw you dead. And there is nothing in this world that could describe what I felt, Snow because I never intended to outlive you. I loved you since almost the very moment we met, way before I understood exactly what I was feeling. And I tried, believe me, I tried with all my strength to cast you away from my mind. I tried not to like you or at least just not care about you at all. You can't imagine how it feels to love someone hopelessly. It feels like a rock in your chest that weighs you down and..."

  
Baz swallows and tries to calm his voice. Maybe he's sounding too desperate. Maybe this will terrify Snow and make him run away from the mess he's always been.

  
"This heavy feeling is always there... Sometimes you have a good day and you think it's over but it only takes a glance from across a room to ruin your whole week. There's the constant reminder that you'll never have the person you love and, even though you already accepted that, it always hurt like the first time you realized you were lost. To be honest, I looked forward to the moment we would fight each other to death, at least that would be all over."

  
Simon's features didn't change since the moment Baz started talking and Baz felt like he was stepping on the air, not knowing if there would be solid ground to land on. But, well, there's no way to burn only partially. At least not for a vampire.

  
"When I accepted that it was impossible not to love you and that I would never have you, all I could have were stolen glances at you or our fights and I longed so badly to start them, to have your attention... I've always known exactly what to say to make you lose your mind and at least look at me! And that was it, Snow. My whole life for seven years revolving around hating myself for loving you and loving you more each day that passed."

  
Baz inhaled, unsteady hands, and trembling voice.

  
"I never thought I could touch you or be close to you. And this killed me every day, little by little. And then I had you for a while, but know you're slipping through my fingers and it feels like I'm in that room again, waiting for you to at least fight me but this time you won't talk to me, no matter what I do so it just leaves me here... Loving you hopelessly."

  
This whole time Simon Snow only stared at Baz, without looking away from his eyes. Not knowing what Snow what thinking made Baz talk even more because he was still so frightened that he wasn't getting anywhere that he would still not assimilate these words.

  
"I didn't love you because you were the chosen one, Snow. If so, that made everything worse. We met because of all of that but it wasn't what cause my feelings for you. I loved you because you were so stupidly brave, even though you seemed so stupidly lost and amazed for everything that happened around you and that was it. I loved you because of the way you contemplated everything around you. The same way you looked at everything here in this damn dreadful country, with wonder. That was what made me love you, not your damn power."

  
Snow broke eye contact and groaned. That was not the response Baz was hoping for.

  
"If you think I'm not being serious... Look, I know you believe I was enchanted by the vampire lifestyle here. Being completely honest, for a moment, I was. There's so much about this part of me that I don't know and that no one wants to talk about, but... I can figure everything out and still be by your side. It's not like I have anything else to hide from you on that aspect. You even tried to touch my fangs which was very stupid of you. If I am to face this part of what I really am, I would prefer doing so having your support, Simon Snow. We can sort this out the same way you can figure everything else in your life and still be with me. I can't promise I'll know the answer to everything you're going through, I wish I could, but I can promise at least to listen and be there for you as many times as you need and want me to. And that's it, Snow.

  
Baz was panting and he waited to catch his breath. When he continued, he spoke slowly, pretending it was nothing important.

  
"If you're still thinking about dumping me, do it because you don't want to be with me and not because you think I would be happier anywhere else and worse... Because you think I would be happier here. It's actually quite hurtful to see you even considering I would move to this place."  
And that was it. All his heart.

  
Everything he could do to prevent the waves to relentlessly destroy what he was trying to build. A life.

  
He refused to look away while waited for any reaction from the curly-haired boy in front of him. He looks painfully lovely. Baz stopped himself from touching Simon's cheek. It wasn't his time to move. He needed a signal.

  
It seemed like an eternity before Simon responded.

  
"So you were not charmed by that lame vampire guy?"

  
Baz frowned, confused, and then burst into laughter.

  
"Really? That's all you have to say after all my Shakespeare-like declaration of love? Wouldn't imagine you were the jealous type, that surely it's not healthy."

  
"I can discuss that in therapy but first answer the question"

  
Baz smiled at him.

  
"I don't consider myself a big-hearted person, Snow. I'm not even fully alive which means I don't have much space in my heart and you're already kinda taking all the rooms in here."

  
Simon smiled like he was trying not to and Baz finally felt that he could breathe again.

  
"So... What do you say, Snow? Do you still want to be my terrible boyfriend?"

  
"No. I want to be your magnificent, breathtaking, formidable boyfriend." and then he grinned, openly, looking at Baz with wonder in his eyes. The same wonder that made Baz fall in love in the first place.

  
And this time he was the one causing it.

  
Baz placed his hand on the back of Simon's neck and brought their faces together. So close they were almost kissing. He stopped there and looked at Simon.

  
"Let's see how you manage to do that."

  
Baz couldn't say which one of them broke the space and kissed the other without caring about anyone else at the airport.

**Author's Note:**

> Is there a support group for people who can't stop thinking about snowbaz? I'm asking for a friend...


End file.
